This is written for a mother who recently lost her daughter due to bullying. I just thought I would share my story. We all need to be heard. We all go through this, but when is enough, enough?
I started at Highland High School in 2004. In Jr. High, I
was caught dating my first girlfriend and was sort of forced to accept myself and
think about coming out then. I didn't come out to myself or to others until my
freshman year of high school. Of course as a young adult trying to fit into the
societal norms, I dated boys. One boy I dated had an older brother, he was a
bully. When I broke it off with his brother he cornered me at the locker and
used verbal abuse. He asked me why I broke up with him. He put his hands above
me against the locker and asked if he wasn't enough for me (in a sexual kind of
way). He would call me names such as dyke, lesbo, etc. I felt so alone in high
school. I then got a girlfriend that was willing to hold hands with me and face
the crowd. That was a smack in the face, literally. I got a shoe thrown at me,
which I was able to dodge. I also had a
coke bottle thrown at me and hit me in the head. Our relationship didn't last
long because she couldn't handle the pressure and ignorance of people. After
that break up, I was passing through the hall and a boy whom I had previous
relations with yelled, "ew get away from me, you have aids!".
Everyone around him started laughing and pointing at me. This hurt. This set me
off, this was the last draw.
I would then spend the rest of my high school lunch hours in
Mrs. Eddie's room where really the "outcasts" stayed. That was the
one room I felt safe. After all this torture and verbal abuse, I felt like I
had no friends, and no one to talk to. I decided I wanted to take my own life.
I was talking to my best friend Amanda Denney on AIM chat. (come to find out
later her mother was actually verbally abusing me as well on Amanda's name on
this chat). I wasn't allowed to really talk to her because her mom knew I was
gay and didn't want her daughter to "catch" it too. This was the only
form of communication I had with someone who I could actually talk to. I told Amanda
that I was going to take pills. I did. She then told me that it wasn't funny
and that it wasn't a joke. I told her I wasn't joking. About 15 minutes later
the ambulance, police, and fire truck were at my house putting my shoes on and
taking me to the hospital. I felt so low. All I could do was think about what
my parents were going to think, why I didn't talk to them, why I felt like I
couldn't talk to them. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't pull myself together.
This was my freshman year of High school. I should be having fun. Not feeling
tortured. I ended up getting my stomach pumped and my mother told me I was to
go live with my dad.
Things got a little better after that. I had to make a
promise to the counselor at the hospital that I would talk to someone if I felt
down, but who was there to talk to? I did try to go to the counselor at
highland weeks later after this happened. I talked about being gay and how hard
it was. He kind of just looked at me like, "I was just going through a
phase" and that "it would pass". He didn't really help me at
all, in fact, he made me feel worse and more disappointed in the school system.
He told me that I chose a hard life and to just try to "fit in" with
the crowd. This is when I decided to have lunch every day for the remainder of
my time at Highland in Mrs. Eddie's class room.
With all the verbal negatives spewing from every which way
(or so it seemed) I decided to take it upon myself and go talk to the Jr. class
principle whom I believe was Mrs. Hoge. She told me that if anything like that
ever happened again to come to her and we would sue for sexual harassment. I
felt there was a glimmer of home in her saying that. It did tone down a bit,
but never went away. This was in 2006. I had dealt with it for 2 years. I just kept
to myself and got my grades up. This is
not at all how I thought High School was going to be.
I learned in 2005 I could graduate early if I took summer
school. I was all over that. I didn't want to have to spend more time at the
hell hole then needed. I graduated in Jan. 2006. I didn't have to finish out
the rest of the school year with closed minded children and uneducated staff. Don't
get me wrong, a lot of teachers did not put up with bullying, but how can they
do something if the children (me) are too scared to talk about it. There are
also certain educators that turned their heads. My choir teacher knew I was
gay, and I swear to this day because of his religious beliefs he would pick on
me. That is here nor there. I guess I will never really know.
I feel like if there was someone there, someone the kids
knew they could go to and talk to, I could have been helped. I feel like I
could have enjoyed my years in high school. instead I feared going to school, I
feared walking down the halls. I feared being in classrooms with certain
people. I started hating choir, that was my favorite class when Mr. Hagerman
was there. I quit playing soccer my Jr. year. Soccer was the love of my life. I
had played from the age of 5. I just gave up on life, and a lot of it had to do
with bullying. Unknown bullying. Hidden Bullying.
I look back now, and yeah, it did make me stronger as a
person and a more tolerant human being. But, I would never go back and replay
that fearful torture. High School should be a fun, coming of age experience. I
am not glad all those things happened to me, but I am glad that I can now be
proud of who I am and what I stood up for then, and still stand up for now.
